Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 6/18/08

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways The New York Mets Can Turn Things Around

10. Less horseplay, more grab-ass
9. Ask Tiger Woods to switch to baseball
8. Stop leaving games early to beat traffic
7. Convince superdelegates to put them in the playoffs
6. Ask President Bush how he was able to turn things around in Iraq
5. For starters, pay the poor bastards enough to live on
4. Jetpacks
3. Before every game, feed other team tainted to-maters
3. Before every game
2. Replace batting practice with frozen head of Ted Williams and dunk tank
1. Start fixing games like they do in the NBA


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Late Night

When President Bush heard gas was an average of $4 all over the country, he said, “But how much is it in the city?”
~Jay Leno

Officials are saying they found a pipe bomb in a dead chicken. So it sounds like al-Qaida is starting to have some serious budget problems.
~Jay Leno

They say it is either the work of some terrorist organization or Carrot Top.
~Jay Leno

NASA has announced a plan to take a trip to the sun. So apparently, the search for bin Laden continues.
~David Letterman

They want to get to the sun; they want to find the thermostat, and turn it down.
~David Letterman

John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he meets with the public. It’s all part of McCain’s “Speak up, I Can’t Hear You” tour.
~Conan O’Brien

A new study just came out, it says that most computer-support workers would take a pay cut to work from home. Their exact quote was, “We miss living in India.”
~Conan O’Brien

Daniel Craig cut the top of his finger off while filming the latest James Bond movie. Who’s he fighting, a can opener?
~Craig Ferguson

He was back to work the next day, which is very impressive, because if I chip a nail, we’re in reruns for a week.
~Craig Ferguson

The Lakers beat the Celtics. Their first win. I can’t wait to find out who the NBA decided to win this thing.
~Jimmy Kimmel

I heard they shot multiple endings.
~Jimmy Kimmel

President Bush in on a tour of Germany, France, Italy, and a bunch of other countries that hate him.
~Jimmy Kimmel

While he’s gone, America is safe and sound in the more competent hands of Barney the White House terrier.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Today, they unveiled John McCain’s new campaign song: “Viva Viagra.”
~Jay Leno

The New York Times reports that Clinton associates are keeping an enemies list of people considered “Clinton traitors.” Ironically, both Bill and Hillary are on each other’s list.
~Jay Leno

Hillary has been staying at home and canceling all her public appearances. As a result, Bill has been staying at home and canceling all of his private appearances.
~Conan O’Brien

Angelina Jolie said, in an interview, that being pregnant is great for her sex life. Then she said what’s really great for her sex life is being Angelina Jolie.
~Conan O’Brien


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Hug your kids at home and belt them in the car.


According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon
after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by
without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to
examine Mom right then and there. “Please disrobe,” he told her. “With him in the room??” she yelled, pointing to my father. Turning to Dad, the doctor said, “Captain, I think I found the problem.”


A student essay stated: “The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay
prostitute at the bottom.” In the margin of the paper, the professor
commented: “My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a
fallen woman and one who has merely slipped.

~thanks to Stan Kegel


S & T UnLeashed
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Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor. ”
Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor. ”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” Wife: “In the fucking pool.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/


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Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so
she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really… What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that’s the weird thing. In every single dream,
the same thing happened. I would always come to this door,
but I couldn’t open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing
the door, but it wouldn’t budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, “P-U-L-L.”

~thanks to garythexton


Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books

Green Eggs and E. Coli

Osama’s In Pajamas

How the Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilia Back At Gunpoint

One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State

The Hump Known as Trump

The Cat in The Hat That Fell In The Applebee’s Deep Fryer

Oh the Places You Won’t Go Because Of Tougher Immigration Laws

Horton Hears A Who via an Illegal Government Wiretap


I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
“Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables
or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated
when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner
because he never asked for any of those things.

So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels.

You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
“Whatever”, “Anything”, “I Don’t Know”, “I Don’t Care”, “Something Good”, or “Food”.

My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.


Here’s a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, ‘Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?’

The old woman looked up at her and said, ‘Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.

~God Bless America ~


A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says, “Hey! No pets allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”

The man begs, “Look I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!”

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff.
They march down field stop at the 30, and kick a field goal.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says, “Wow that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?”

“I don’t know,” replies the owner, “I’ve only had him for four years.”


A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”


Xtreme Parting Thought

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.

One thought on “Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 6/18/08

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