Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 7/2/08

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear At The Beach

10. “You’re going to have to put on a top – oh, sorry, sir”
9. “Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water”
8. “Due to the mortgage crisis, we’re foreclosing your sand castle”
7. “We’re out of mayo; use the Coppertone”
6. “Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin”
5. “The water? It’s about 11 miles that way”
4. “I know you’re not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?”
3. “Giant squid! Run for your lives!”
2. “Are you here for the Al Qaeda summer picnic?”
1. “Now where did I bury Grandpa?”


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Late Night

Great news for New York City garbage men: They can now wear shorts in the summer. It’s all part of the mayor’s plan to beautify the city.
~David Letterman

John McCain has a bandage on his head. Here’s what happened: He tried to answer the iron.
~David Letterman

The Dutch think the world’s going to end on Dec. 12, 2012. It has to do with the Mayan calendar. That and a lot of pot smoking.
~Craig Ferguson

Next week is the Fourth of July. I will be celebrating as I always do. I get completely naked; I go up on the roof and sing the national anthem at the top of my lungs.
~Jimmy Kimmel

My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask . . . turns out it was charcoal lighter fluid.
~David Letterman


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Maury and Pauly were in the same class at school, and at recess Maury comes whining to the teacher: “Teacher, Teacher, Pauly keeps kicking
me in the ass!” “Listen, Maury,” says the teacher, “it’s really not
good to be a tattle-tale, and besides, I don’t like to speak with
little boys who don’t use polite language.” Maury starts again:
“Teacher, Pauly keeps kicking me in the ass… please!”


Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why
the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study. The Poles didn’t trust the US or French studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Polish study reached a conclusion. They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


Upset that the Iraqi situation was deteriorating, Bush sought help
from a coven, thinking they could cast a helpful spell. He selected a male witch to try to help him, but the selectee said he had no prior
comparable situation on which to base a spell to cast: “There’s never been a warlock this one.”

~thanks to Stan Kegel


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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’ s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know.” The doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the fucking lawn.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/


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Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers
out… “Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I,
Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself
in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told
to me by certain parties residing in the house!”

~thanks to RSommers


A redneck went to see the Louisiana doctor and he put in a complaint because his wife was having too many little babies!
She was having at least one per year.
He commented, “Doc, ya gotta help me, I cain’t git enough Welfare or steal enough ta feeds ’em all!”
The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient, “The book says if a man’s bitch was having too many brats, the doctor should remove the man’s right testicle.”
He then administered anesthesia with beer bottles, took out his pocket knife an’ performed the surgery.
Three years later the man was back at the doctor’s office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still havin’ at least one kid per year!
The doctor took his book back down and studied the problem. The doctor said, “Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle. Butcha won’t be able to git no nookie!”
Once again he got a beer bottle an’ his pocket knife and performed surgery.
Another three years later, the SAME man was back complaining that operation had once again failed! His wife had 2 kids and was about 7, 8 months along with his thirteenth! The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down.
After several minutes of study he told his patient, “It says right here if a man’s wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We done did all that. However, the next page says, “If the man’s wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you done castrated the wrong man!”

~thanks to num


An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.
The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, “How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?


My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, “Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?”


A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline.Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River calledTeste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced.

So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh really! What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the shitty hairdo?”


If you receive an email entitled “Bedtimes” delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will cause your toilet to flush while you are showering.
It will drink ALL your beer.
For God’s Sake, Are You Listening??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
If the “Bedtimes” message opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

And if you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you’ll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!


My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn’t like men.”
“Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn’t kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.


Xtreme Parting Thought

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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