Xtreme Humor – Friday Edition 7/18/08

Late Show Top Ten

Perks of Being an All-Star presented by Derek Jeter (New York Yankees second baseman)

10. If fans hit a beach ball onto the field, I get to keep it.
9. When I go to the supermarket, they give me the non-deadly tomatoes.
8. In November, I get to vote as many times as I want.
7. I can re-broadcast games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
6. I don’t need a permit to own a monkey.
5. I get a 30-cent bump to $9.75 an hour.
4. Starbucks opened a branch in the dugout just in case I need a mid-game latte.
3. Whenever I steal second base, I decide whether I’m safe or not.
2. A chance to remind Boston players they only have to win 19 more championships to have as many as we do.
1. Special All-Star cups vibrate in your pants!


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Late Night

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were in Unity, N.H. They campaigned together to show their unity. Bill Clinton could not be there – he was in Intercourse, Pa.
~Jay Leno

Over the Fourth of July, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former President Thomas Jefferson. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, “I’d like to salute both Thomas Jefferson and his wife Weezy.”
~Conan O’Brien

Today, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs.
~Conan O’Brien

Happy birthday to President Bush – 62 on Sunday. He is now twice his approval rating.
~Jay Leno

Democrats are preparing for their convention in Denver. They have hired the first ever director of “greening.” They say this will ensure everything about their convention will be green . . . including nominating a candidate who’s only been a senator for a couple of years.
~Jay Leno

Barack Obama’s campaign has announced they are going to hold an event at a NASCAR race. The event will be called, “Meet Your First Black Guy.”
~Conan O’Brien

Cuba announced they will send a rowing team to the Olympics. They started training last month and haven’t been seen since.
~Conan O’Brien

President Bush is was in Japan for the G-8 summit. Again, another kind of embarrassing incident at dinner. I guess President Bush sent his sushi back because it was cold.
~Jay Leno

Osama bin Laden’s teenage son, Timmy bin Laden, has released a poem calling for the destruction of America and the killing of all its allies. Imagine a kid writing something like that. Here’s my question: Where are the parents?
~Jay Leno

Big birthday news today – O.J. Simpson turned 61-years-old and he had a party with all his friends. There were no survivors.
~Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears talks about her new baby and that she can’t wait to be a soccer mom. Actually Jamie Lynn is already a soccer mom because she’s the only mom on her high school’s soccer team.
~Conan O’Brien


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On their 50th wedding anniversary, an old couple decided to spice up
their sex life with a KAMA SUTRA handbook they picked up at a local
bookstore. They looked in astonishment at the various positions
contained therein. One in particular showed a couple seated opposite
one another, naked and with their legs spread apart. The man was to
try to roll marbles between the woman’s legs, and she was to try to
throw plastic hoop-la-hoops around his penis. The old woman and man
smiled at one another “This is it!” they giggled. The old man said
“OK. I’ll go get the bowling ball.” The old woman said “OK… I’ll
take off my wedding ring.”


Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and several other disgraced televangelists have started a new magazine. It combines porno and Christianity and is called Repenthouse.


Charlton Heston walks into a bar with a gun and tells the bartender;
“I’ll have a beer, and a Scotch for my Uzi.” The bartender recognizes him, sees the gun and quickly complies. Heston drinks the beer then
leaves, not touching the Scotch. Next day the same thing happens. He
drinks the beer and leaves the Scotch untouched. Third day he comes in and says; “I’ll have a beer, and a Scotch for my Uzi.” The bartender can’t stand it anymore and says; “Please don’t be mad, but why do you come in every day, drink your beer but leave the Scotch untouched?” “I’m teaching the gun control.”

~thanks to Stan Kegel


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Main differences between European and American women:
Some European women speak French or German while American
women just talk, and talk, and talk, and fucking talk

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/


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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK
for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, but I found myself thinking that
she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I’d
ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

I said, ‘No’ – excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night!, but only if I wanted it to be…

We went back to her place, undressed and I hopped into bed. She put
on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

‘Mom, you still awake!’

~thanks to RSommers


This guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough
not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets
home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the
“Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”
“Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed
it back here, shoot, they we’re just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.”

~thanks to num


In the last Xtreme Humor I ran this:

I can’t decide who’s the bigger geek, the person who used “FF0000”
for the vanity plate on their red car, or me because I knew that
FF0000 is the hexadecimal value for red.

–Bill Hewins

I loved this response that I got!

“I’d get a tag like that for my truck if anyone out there knows the hexadecimal value for “Rust”?”

N Fla Inkster


At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to
go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed
to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
‘Do you want to go up or down?’

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the

He again asked the lady, ‘Up or down?’

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, ‘Up or down?’

The woman replied, ‘Down.’

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, ‘Up or down?’

She replied, ‘Up.’

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
‘What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!’

She replied, ‘Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
hump or drown.’

~thanks to RSommers


Q: Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?

A: Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.

~thanks to coffeld


Who’s Reading the Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country-if they could find the time-and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something in which to wrap it.


In response to a number of complaints that Fox doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, Fox has announced that they will now air…’America’s Most Wanted’ twice a week.


Xtreme Parting Thought

Anyone who says that truth is stranger than fiction has never heard
a teenager explaining his 3:30 A.M. arrival home.

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