Aries March 21 – April 19
You’ll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.
Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.
You’ll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you’ll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
Like Dr. Doolittle, you’ve always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.
You’ll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.
Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent’s Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.
Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.
By the end of the week, you’ll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.
Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they’re getting into your apartment.