Humorscopes for Week of 8/25

Aries March 21 – April 19

You’ll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you’re the nation’s leading supplier of horse laxatives.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

Regret will be yours this week when you’re forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.


Cancer June 22 – July 22

They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.


Leo July 23 – August 22

After years of being an emotionless drone, you’ll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.


Virgo August 23 – September 22

You’ve always wondered what kind of father you’d be. Now with the children out of the way, you’ll have plenty of time to figure it out.

Libra September 23 – October 23

Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.


Scorpio October 24 – November 21

Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.


Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You’re not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.


Capricorn December 22 – January 19

The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.


Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You’ll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you’ll do this at the betting track.


Pisces February 19 – March 20

Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you’ve been staring at the damn thing upside-down.

One thought on “Humorscopes for Week of 8/25

  1. wavemaker2 says:

    ROFL!! I know these are suppose too be funny!! And they are..BUT, in my case last week my husband’s and mine are right on the money!!! How weird!! I did have to choose between cherry pie or life and my husband is right on the peeny saved part..last week also..hahahahaha Oh GREAT one how did you do it!!!…LOL…til l8er

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