Humorscopes for the week of 9/1/08

Aries March 21 – April 19

You’ll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Turns out it’s not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it’ll be mainly used to terrorize women.

Cancer June 22 – July 22

Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he’s not looking.

Leo July 23 – August 22

The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that’s not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

You’ll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.

Libra September 23 – October 23

Remember: When people say that children are our future, they’re talking about much healthier infants than yours.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

You’ve always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife’s getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you’ve long feared: You have breasts now.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you’re still completely invisible to most of them.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.

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