Late Night – Tuesday 9/2/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

John McCain chose Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate. George W. Bush was very upset when he heard this. He said, “Alaska? Why couldn’t you pick somebody from the United States?”

We’re learning more and more from Gov. Palin . . . apparently her daughter’s name is Juno.

Gov. Palin announced over the weekend that her 17-year-old unmarried daughter is five months pregnant. You thought John Edwards was in trouble before. Now he’s really done it.

It’s being reported that if elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? She may demand a recount and declare herself the winner.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear On Your First Day Of School

10. “Please rise as we pledge allegiance to North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il”
9. “None of our students have lice — can’t say the same for the cafeteria”
8. “I’m not only your guidance counselor, I’m also the janitor”
7. “Algebra is over — let’s hit the showers”
6. “I’m your teacher, Mrs. Weston. Last year you knew me as Mr. Weston”
5. “So your mom tells me you’re a bed-wetter”
4. “Instead of dissecting frogs, we’ll be dissecting the body of the late Aleksander Solzhenitsyn”
3. “Grades will be based on how much you leave in my tip jar”
2. “I taught George W. Bush”
1. “Hi, I’m Principal Dick, but you can call me Andy”


Late Show with David Letterman

Here’s the roster of speakers for tonight’s Republican Convention: George W. Bush, Joe Lieberman, Fred Thompson . . . cut me a slice of that!

It kicks off with a big mixer for Republicans in Sen. Craig’s airport restroom stall.

It’s easy to spot — it was the one with the balloons hanging over it.

John McCain’s vice president choice, Sarah Palin, is an avid hunter. Let’s see — a vice president who likes guns . . . well, what could go wrong there?


Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Republican Convention underway. There’s a theme each night, and the theme for tonight’s convention is, “Who Is John McCain?” Tomorrow night’s theme is, “Who Forgot to Check if the Vice President’s Daughter Is Pregnant?”

John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. The family said, “We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.”

Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Which Bush calls live via magic.

This year, there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota.”


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Today, John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. They’re the organization of gay Republicans. McCain and the Log Cabin Republicans agree on one thing: They both want to distance themselves from Bush.

There seems to be more coverage of Hurricane Gustav than the convention. Both very different, of course. One’s a stormy blast of wind that throws mud everywhere . . . the other’s Hurricane Gustav.

Michael Jackson turned 50 last week. He’s technically a senior citizen. He’ll be saying, “You kids get onto my lawn.”


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Judas Priest plays tonight. They’re on their way to the Republican Convention.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney canceled their appearances at the convention because of the hurricane and the fact that no one wanted them to be there.

A lot of gossip centered around Sarah Palin, McCain’s controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who only has been running the state of Alaska for two years should fill out a ticket run by a 175-year-old man.

Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the family says the young man will marry her. His name is Levi Johnston. They found his MySpace page which was pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out he’s an “F-ing redneck” . . . and another quote from him was, “I don’t want kids.”

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