This Week’s Humorscopes – 9/8/08

Aries March 21 – April 19

They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that’s not what the other kids will call him.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

Remember: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it’s a challenging scavenger hunt.

Cancer June 22 – July 22

You’ll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it’s been years since you last recognized your wife.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

Libra September 23 – October 23

Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner’s high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

By the end of the week, you’ll be the nation’s foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you’re going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You’ll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Don’t let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

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