Late Night Tuesday 9/23/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

More bad news today, from President Bush: Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back.

Barack Obama said today that the $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. He said that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fundraisers to come up with that kind of money.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group called “Blacks Against Obama.” Actually it was a pretty small group — just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

Sarah Palin was in New York meeting foreign leaders at the U.N. Assembly. She was very impressed with all the landmarks in New York City. As she was driving over the Hudson River, she said, “Wow — your bridges actually go somewhere.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas For Fixing The Economy

10. Why fix it if it ain’t broke?
9. Drill Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for loose change
8. Sell cupcakes in front of the White House
7. Flip all them charts upside down
6. Encourage Americans to spend more — If they don’t, Cheney peppers them in the face
5. Most things seem better after half a bottle of Jim Beam
4. Let’s just say the Lincoln Memorial is now the Tostitos Lincoln Memorial
3. Invent a car that runs on root beer
2. Put on a pair of glasses and shoot a moose
1. Is Hillary still available for a 3 a.m. phone call?


Late Show with David Letterman

Earlier today, President Bush addressed the U.N. Assembly. Apparently, his father couldn’t get him out of it.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also addressed the Assembly. He was completely humorless. Devoid of humor. So they’ve asked him to host next year’s Emmys.

All these world leaders, while they are in New York City attending the General Assembly, are doing some shopping. The Japanese premier, for example, got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.

Sarah Palin is also in town. She’s having a great time in New York City. Today, for instance, she shot and mounted that thing on Donald Trump’s head.


Late Night with Conan O’Brien

The first presidential debate is this Friday. Strategists say Barack Obama is going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. He’s going to do this by repeating the phrase, “Matlock is gay.”

Sarah Palin was at the United Nations today. She met with foreign leaders to show her foreign policy expertise. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds.

Yesterday, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad challenged John McCain to a debate. McCain says that if he wanted to be attacked by extremists in a hostile environment he’d appear on MSNBC.

McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. When asked why, he said, “My wife’s family owns Budweiser. It would be good for business.”


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Clay Aiken announced in People magazine that he’s gay. He’s Clay; he’s gay; he’s here to stay.

Also in People magazine, John McCain announced he’s old, and Barack Obama announced he’s black.

Google is releasing a new phone. It’s called the G1. John McCain was very excited when he heard about it. When he heard G1, he said “Bingo!”


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Clay Aiken is on the cover of People magazine announcing that he’s gay. This on the heels of last week’s People shocking cover: Ruben Studdard announced he’s black.

First, “Sex & the City” comes out on DVD, now this.

President Bush made a farewell speech in front of the U.N. General assembly. I thought he spoke quite powerfully today, especially at the end of his speech when he said, “Could we borrow some money?”

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