The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Sen. John McCain got personally involved in bailout yesterday. He bailed on the David Letterman show.
As you know, John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map.
To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to guns and religion.
To tell you how bad it’s gotten. Americans have now started working at Wal-Mart. Do you believe that?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sarah Palin presented by residents of Wasilla, Alaska
10. Sometimes Sarah calls John McCain “grandpa” Interior Designer, May-Lynn Pauling
9. She stole that sexy librarian look from me Grasshopper Aviation Pilot, Dave Glenn
8. Recently passed legislation to build a bridge to Funkytown General Manager of a Mexican Restaurant, Jerry Ochoa
7. Does great impression of Tina Fey Banker and Race Car Driver, Erika Bills
6. Favorite meal: moose nuggets and beaver jerky Private Music Teacher, Ana Hartman
5. Working on “Knight Rider” spin-off about a talking snowmobile Virtual Golf-Shooting Range Owner, Calvin Culverwel
4. Favorite book? “Late Show Fun Facts” — available at fine stores everywhere Flight Paramedic, Steven Heyano
3. Once spent a week in the hospital after attempting to put lipstick on a pit bull Dental Hygenist, Kathy McCone
2. To improve her foreign policy experience, she recently went to the International House of Pancakes Deputy Mayor and Chiropractor, Kris Larson
1. Only person I know who’s not afraid to go hunting with Dick Cheney From the Wasilla Chamber of Commerce, Lyn Carden
Late Show with David Letterman
Paris Hilton is our guest tonight… unless she needs to rush to Washington to fix the economy.
A lot of people don’t know this, but Paris was actually McCain’s first choice for running mate.
McCain got out of last night’s show — I wasn’t so lucky.
John McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the bailout. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Because of the financial crisis, John McCain says he may not appear at the presidential debate on Friday, so Ralph Nader has offered to fill in for him. However, Nader is insisting that McCain work his shift at Kinko’s.
A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn’t care about Jews or black people. Palin insists that’s not true and says Alaska has one of each.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Not such a great day for me. I have been accused of media bias and sexual harassment. I assure you I am innocent of the media bias . . . I can’t talk about the other one. I will see you in court, Fabio.
I’m not taking sides. After all, we only know what candidates tell us. Some people are idolizing Obama for his signs: Hope . . . or Change . . . How about Vague . . . or maybe just Obsession.
Be careful who you choose to deify. Whether it be Barack Obama or Clay Aiken.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It seemed like Congress might have agreed on the $700 million bailout. Then it turned out they hadn’t. Think of Wall Street as a no-good brother in law who borrowed $500 from you and shows up with a new Jet Ski.
President Bush met with both Barack Obama and John McCain mostly to discuss the financial crisis, but he did take time to show them the best place in the Oval Office to hide porn.
McCain showed up without Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she actually has a lot of banking and financial experience — she lived right next to a bank.
Sarah Palin was in New York at the U.N. to meet world leaders. Previously, her world experience has been limited to visiting the Epcot Center in Orlando.