Late Night Friday 9/26/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Tonight was the big debate — the “crowd pleaser” versus the “old geezer.”

Yesterday in New York City, Sarah Palin actually took some questions from reporters. She didn’t answer them, she just took them.

Hugh Hefner confirmed that he has asked Sarah Palin to pose for Playboy. The bad news is in order to be equal, he has also asked Joe Biden.

The Chinese have launched astronauts into space. It’s revolutionary — the entire ship is made of lead and MSG.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises in the Presidential Debate

10. Jim Lehrer began proceedings with, “Which one of you morons wants to go first?”
9. McCain answered every question by cupping his ear and saying, “How’s that?”
8. Opened with closing statements, closed with opening statements
7. McCain said he had more fun at the Lincoln-Douglas debates
6. Everybody was talking about the new “Late Show Fun Facts” book available at bookstores everywhere
5. McCain pledged to fill entire Cabinet with sassy underqualified hockey moms
4. Obama said he’ll be on next season’s “Dancing With The Stars” — this guy will do anything
3. Both had uncomfortable restroom stories involving Sen. Larry Craig
2. They picked some guy out of the audience from New Jersey to read a Top Ten list
1. The winner — Tina Fey


Late Show with David Letterman

The presidential debate had an unusual format — after blowing a question on Bosnia, John McCain was told to extinguish his torch and leave the island.

Actually, John McCain’s big mistake was not knowing the name of French President Sarkozy’s hot wife.

The three presidential debates will be held in three different states: Mississippi, New York, and Tennessee. Fortunately, John McCain has a home in each one.

The economy is in sad shape. But there’s good news — President Bush says he is working hard on the economic problems. Well, that’s good enough for me.


Late Night with Conan O’Brien

President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout yesterday and he said, “If the money isn’t loosened up, this sucker could go down.’” So if we know nothing else, at least we know that President Bush is writing his own speeches.

John McCain said he wouldn’t attend the presidential debate unless Congress reached a bailout deal, but then he reversed his position and decided to take part anyway. McCain says he may drop out again depending on what the first question is.

During tonight’s debate, sources from Barack Obama’s campaign say that Obama is going to try to get John McCain to lose his temper. Obama is going to do this by claiming the movie “Cocoon” was overrated.

Yesterday, Congressman Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania voiced concern that the bailout plan doesn’t protect “the little guy.” After hearing this, Dennis Kucinich said, “I’ll be fine.”


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Michelle Obama says she keeps her kids entertained on the campaign trail by throwing slumber parties. Which, coincidentally, is how Bill Clinton kept himself entertained during his campaign.

A guy in Kentucky claims his genitals were removed without his consent during a routine operation. He was mad. He said, “When did I agree to this?”

Bill Clinton was asked what his favorite romantic movie was. He said “The English Patient.” I don’t believe it — what about “Ass a Blanca”?


Jimmy Kimmel Live!


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