Your Birthday Today
They say you have the kind of face only a mother could love, but that’s mainly because she feels guilty about all the birth defects.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can’t come up with the money soon, kill the twins.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you’re revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse’s trademark works.
Leo July 23 – August 22
God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover “whiskey,” a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Libra September 23 – October 23
Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn’t one of those times.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You’ve never much cared for appearances. Still, you’re beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.