This has gotten over a million hits on YouTube. Thought I would pass it along…
To make it stand,
You wet it!
To make it wet,
You suck it!
To make it stiff,
You lick it!
To get it in,
You push it!
Threading a needle when you’re older is a BITCH!
The sharing of marriage…
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
(Continue below – This is great)
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of
2. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids
next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m
never going to drink that much again.”
22. You no longer drink at home to save money before going
to a bar.
23. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that this doesn’t apply to you.
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were
When they were growing up; what with walking
Twenty-five miles to school every morning … Uphill BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The
Internet .. If we wanted to know something,
We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
Put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the
Beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you
Had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your
Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn’t know!!! You had
To pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with hi gh-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like ‘Space Invaders’ and
‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your
Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such
Thing as stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
Or some old broad with a hat
Sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that
Was only like 15 channels
And there was no on screen menu and no remote
Control! You had to use a
Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the
Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to
Use the stove or go build a frigging fire…
Imagine that! If we wanted
Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing
And shake it over the stove
Forever like an idiot.
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
The over 30 Crowd
* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
* Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
* Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
* When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
* On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.
* The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
* Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.
* Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
* The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
* When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.
* I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
* Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
* Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
* If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.