Gophers


Having immigrated to the United States as a young adult, I shall never completely lose my accent. It usually doesn’t bother me, but sometimes it does create confusion.

Gophers were digging holes in our farmland, and I worried that our cows could break a leg in one of them. I was, therefore quite interested in an ad I saw in our local paper: A retired serviceman was asking for permission to shoot gophers on private land.

After making the arrangements, I decided to check with the police to make sure shooting gophers was legal. So I phoned and explained the situation to the officer, and asked if that was legal.

There was a moment’s silence before the officer asked, “Do you live next to the golf course?”

I had no idea what made him think that and answered, “No, I don’t.”

“Then why,” he asked, “would you want to shoot golfers?”

The Banana Test


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully…
Try and answer within 30 seconds !!!
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.

.

.

.

If your answer is:
Lion = you’re dull.
Chimpanzee = you’re a moron.
Giraffe = you’re a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you’re just hopelessly stupid.
——————————————-
A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you’re stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse?


What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse?

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

• Buying a stronger whip.
• Changing riders.
• Threatening the horse with termination.
• Appointing a committee to study the horse.
• Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
• Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
• Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.
• Creating a training session to increase the rider’s load share.
• Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
• Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”
• Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
• Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
• Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its original cost.
• Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
• Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
• Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
• Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
• Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
• Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The Story of the Hot Fly


In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry, fly said, to no one in particular,
‘Gosh… if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed’.

There was a fish in the water thinking, ‘Gosh if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him.’

There was a bear on the shore thinking, ‘Gosh if that fly goes down three inches…that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.’

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.
‘Gosh,’ he thought, ‘if that fly goes down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.’

A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, ‘Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.’

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, ‘Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly…and that bear grabs for that fish… and that hunter shoots that bear…and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich…then I can have mouse for lunch.’

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly… the bear grabs the fish… the hunter shoots the bear… the mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich…the cat jumps for the mouse… the mouse ducks… the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches….

some pussy is in danger.

~thanks Gary!

Miscommunication


The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny’s imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, “He’s been around here a long time. We’ll miss him.”

“Yes,” Mom replied, “But he’s too much work for one person, and since I’m that one person, I say he goes.”
Another child offered, “Well, maybe if he wouldn’t eat so much and wouldn’t be so messy, we could keep him.”

But Mom was firm. “It’s time to take Danny to his new home now,” she insisted. “Go and get his cage.”

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, “Danny? We thought you said Daddy!”