Perceptions


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” said my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Beer Troubleshooting


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

The Ballerina


This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender! I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?”

The drunk replies, “Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”

The Bartender


A bar is located across the street from a school for the hearing
impaired. Every evening after classes, members of the faculty come
into the bar and have a drink. They use sign language to talk and
sometimes their conversations become quite intense.

One afternoon a group of the teachers are sitting at a table and
are being overly rambunctious in their sign language: their hands
are held high, and they are swaying back and forth.

The bartender becomes quite agitated and says to one of his
customers sitting at the bar, “Now they’ll never go home.”

“What do you mean?” asks the customer.

“You can’t get them out of here once they start singing!”

Lady In The Bar


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn’t matter to me. Been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.’Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ”No kidding. I’m a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?’