Will I live to be 80?


Some times you just have to ask yourself ‘Will I live to be 80?’

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
Do you think I’ll live to be 80?

He asked, Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?

No, I replied. I don’t do drugs, either.

Then he asked, Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing in the beach?

No, I don’t, I said.

He asked, Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?

No, I said. I don’t do any of those things.

Then he looked at me and asked,

Then why do you give a shit?

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, there is no need to touch any buttons. We know who you are, we know where you live, and we will be coming to get you very soon.

If you are hysterical, don’t touch any buttons whatsoever, something terrible might happen.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall and run away with the phone.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are an anal-retentive psychopath, take the phone apart. Place each piece in a plastic bag. Tape each plastic bag tightly shut. Place all the plastic bags into a large, brown paper bag, which you then place in the southeast corner of your freezer.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and have yourself a good cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

Health Form Submission


Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 10016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21 a3 of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put “Stupidity.” I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device’s lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one’s privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS as indicated on your form in block 21 b1.

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ‘On-the-Spot’ news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.

First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet, and third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21 a3, I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,
(name withheld)

Where is this Doctor?


Doctor Q & A

Q.I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!