Humorscopes Week of 11/24/08


Your Birthday Today
Lately it may seem as if you’re losing your hair, but don’t worry: That has nothing to do with the aging process.

Aries March 21 – April 19
The stars foresee a change in careers this week. Pretty soon, they’ll be making a shitload of money in advertising, instead of wasting their precious time predicting your future.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
The strange sounds coming from the basement will only grow louder, proving that it’s been several hours since they last fed you.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it’s artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and that your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.

Leo July 23 – August 22
The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you’ve forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.

Libra September 23 – October 23
They say you have the kind of a face only a mother could love, but that’s mainly because she feels guilty about all the drinking.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
You’ll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Someday you’ll be able to look back on it all and laugh. Until then, though, it’s months and months of reconstructive jaw surgery.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Like a beautiful rose left to wilt in the desert heat, so, too, will you become a strained and forced metaphor this week.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
Earth and water magicks are strong in your sign today. Unfortunately, so are card, silk, and vanishing dove magicks.

Humorscopes – Week of 11/17/08


Your Birthday Today
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.

Aries March 21 – April 19
It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
You’ll wonder aloud if there’s anything duct tape can’t do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you’re unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.

Leo July 23 – August 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
In a tragic twist of fate, you’ll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.

Libra September 23 – October 23
New and exciting experiences help to color one’s life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week’s events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you’re the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The stars will grant your heart’s deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You’ll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.

Humorscope – Week of 11/10/08


Your Birthday Today
They say you have the kind of face only a mother could love, but that’s mainly because she feels guilty about all the birth defects.

Aries March 21 – April 19
Like all Aries, you are extremely patient with others. However, if they can’t come up with the money soon, kill the twins.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous this week when a riptide drags you underwater.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Fears of being exposed as a fraud will be realized this week when you’re revealed to lack the fluid color, strong lines, and playful style of Matisse’s trademark works.

Leo July 23 – August 22
God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover “whiskey,” a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.

Libra September 23 – October 23
Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn’t one of those times.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You’ve never much cared for appearances. Still, you’re beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being an Aquarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next 2,115 weeks to be the same.

Humorscopes – Week of 11/3/08


Your Birthday Today
Throwing a temper tantrum won’t do you any good today. If you really want to go to the zoo that bad, just drive yourself.

Aries March 21 – April 19
Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you’ll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné-it’s your future in a bottle.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you’re traded back and forth for packs of them.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.

Leo July 23 – August 22
You’ll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.

Libra September 23 – October 23
You’ll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it’s right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it’s pretty much all tumors.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Humiliation will be yours this week when you’re replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it’ll be born with three fingers.

Humorscopes – Week of 10/27/08


Your Birthday Today
While it’s true that you can’t outrun your past, it’s catching up with your future that you should be worried about.

Aries March 21 – April 19
You’ll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that’s mainly because of what he’ll have done to your hands.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Have the stars told you how wonderful you’ve looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?

Gemini May 21 – June 21
You’ve always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, it’s leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!

Leo July 23 – August 22
God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.

Libra September 23 – October 23
The bullet will miss your heart by several inches, which only makes sense, as it will be fired at your head.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they’ve never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Be sure to watch your temper, as it’s about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
While you’d love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation’s Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine-especially the $5,000 or so you’ll owe to local loan sharks.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
Remember, people like you for who you are: An incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.

Humorscopes – Week of 10/20/08


Your Birthday Today
Sometimes success is just showing up-not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.

Aries March 21 – April 19
You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won’t keep everyone else from trying.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You’ll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.

Leo July 23 – August 22
There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
You’re not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.

Libra September 23 – October 23
Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions-including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria-in women who may become pregnant.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ve made it your life’s mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you’re one of America’s unsung heroes.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
If you’ve ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
You’re nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.

Humorscopes – Week of 10/13/08


Aries March 21 – April 19

Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.

 

Taurus April 20 – May 20

A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.

 

Gemini May 21 – June 21

You’ll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.

 

Cancer June 22 – July 22

The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at cancer17@gmail.com in the event of an astrological emergency.

 

Leo July 23 – August 22

You’ll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.

 

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Don’t let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You’re better than that. Much, much better than that.

 

Libra September 23 – October 23

You’ve always said there’s nothing a little bit of sun couldn’t cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.

 

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.

 

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.

 

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You’ll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.

 

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you’re already on the other side of the room eating cake.

 

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you’re pretty sure that’s a blowhole you got there.

Humorscope for week of 10/06/08


Aries March 21 – April 19
Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!

Gemini May 21 – June 21
The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.

Leo July 23 – August 22
Don’t be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it’d be so convenient.

Libra September 23 – October 23
After years of quiet introspection, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
More and more, you’re beginning to suspect you’re just around to help move the plot forward.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it’s the last time you’ll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
The stars indicate that-hoo, boy-that’s definitely going to hurt.

Humorscopes – Week of 9/29/08


Aries March 21 – April 19

It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as “it” is actually two tons of bricks.

 

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that’s puberty.

 

Gemini May 21 – June 21

If you knew what was coming, you wouldn’t be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.

 

Cancer June 22 – July 22

The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won’t last very long.

 

Leo July 23 – August 22

Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.

 

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Don’t let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.

 

Libra September 23 – October 23

Lately it may seem as if you’re losing your mind, but don’t worry: There’s microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.

 

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

You’ll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.

 

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it’s revealed you were pregnant at the time.

 

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You’ll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.

 

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?

 

Pisces February 19 – March 20

The ladies all think you’re a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they’re still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.

Humorscope – Week of Sept 22 2008


Aries March 21 – April 19

Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won’t really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.

 

Taurus April 20 – May 20

The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.

 

Gemini May 21 – June 21

Yes, there’s something growing inside of you, and yes, it’s going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.

 

Cancer June 22 – July 22

Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.

 

 

Leo July 23 – August 22

Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.

 

Virgo August 23 – September 22

When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.

 

Libra September 23 – October 23

True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.

 

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it’s not everyday you win big at video poker.

 

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.

 

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.

 

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.

 

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week’s astrological prediction already in progress…