Making brownies with Billy


Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy “no, no.” Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take flour away from Billy and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take flour away from Billy again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing wet flour from cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smouldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialled call to India removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s still time and she’s still able to run away.

Frosting – Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine. Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% microwave and throw it away – far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes Answer door and apologise to neighbour for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door letter box. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

This should end all 3 Bears Stories


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
“Who’s been eating my porridge?!!” he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
“Who’s been eating my Porridge?!!” he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For Christ’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first;
It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house;
It was Momma Bear who made the coffee;
It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away;
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper;
It was Momma Bear who set the damn table;
It was Momma Bear who put the friggin dogs out, cleaned up the trash they dragged out, and filled the water and food dish.

So, now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time:

I HAVEN’T MADE THE F******PORRIDGE YET!!”

Report Card Comments


These 12 are comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New
York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but maybe they
had a point!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.