Late Night Thursday 11/20/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

There’s going to be an auto show in Washington — $10 to get in, $25 billion to get out.

Executives from General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Cheney whispered in his ear, “Cars use oil.”

Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, how about giving it to us, with the provision that it can only be used to buy a Corvette? They get the money; everybody gets back to work; and we all get a new car.

Ashley Dupree, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker, says she’s sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife, and that she feels connected to her. Maybe if she wasn’t connected to her husband, none of this would have happened.

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Economists say only 34 shopping days left until bankruptcy.

The economy is so bad that today on Oprah Winfrey’s show, she gave everybody in the audience a car . . . company.

Bill Clinton went to Barack Obama and said that he would do anything to help Hillary become secretary of state — even remove his profile from eHarmony.com.

And he would place all his interns in a blind trust.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Executives from the auto industry are being criticized because to ask Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, “We would have driven but our cars only get 3 miles per gallon.”

Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the vice president of Missouri.

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s excited to see Obama become the second most powerful person in the world.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

It’s a great day for America. It is Vice-President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday. It is a smart gift to give Biden because with his mouth full of cupcakes, he can’t say anything stupid.

Barack Obama recently quit smoking. Apparently Barack Obama’s wife Michelle gave him an ultimatum. She said that if he didn’t quit, she wouldn’t support him running for president. What is she gonna do, switch sides and start supporting McCain?

I mean, she’s not Joe Lieberman.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going-out-of-business sale right now.

The Dow is now dropping so frequently, they’ve decided to add an “n” at the end of it for “down” and just call it a day.

President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas.

Late Night Wednesday 11/19/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

A new study says that unhappy people watch more TV. I just want to say, helllllooo, Republicans.

Sociologists say that nine months after Election Day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. This is nothing new. In fact, John McCain is a Lincoln baby.

Barack Obama won’t be able to use his BlackBerry or even e-mail once he’s president, due to security issues. He says he still wants a laptop for the Oval Office desk, however. Bush thought he had a laptop — but it was just an Etch A Sketch.

Hillary Clinton may take the job of secretary of state. The secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president. To which Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, that’ll be a first . . .”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

It was so cold today, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test.

The Big Three automakers are asking the government for bailout money. If it gets any worse, these guys will have to trim their $10 million bonuses.

People magazine has named Hugh Jackman as their “Sexiest Man Alive.” Al Franken is demanding a recount.

It looks like Hillary Clinton will be secretary of state. Not only that, she will receive the home version of the presidency as a parting gift.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Earlier today, the heads of the GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. When asked what they would do with the money, all three said, “Buy a new BMW.”

Yesterday, Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have someone to play hide ‘n’ seek with.

This week John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for re-election to the Senate. Apparently, McCain’s new campaign slogan is “Now 100% Sarah Palin-Free.”

Today is Larry King’s birthday. As a result, we are currently experiencing a worldwide candle shortage.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Convicted felon Ted Stevens was officially declared the loser in the Alaska Senate race. He’s OK with it, though. He says he’s done with politics. He wants to spend quality time making shanks with the grandkids.

The economy’s getting bad. Broadway attendance is down 90 percent. Economists are saying it is a terrible time to be gay.

But when is it a good time to be gay? I guess whenever you are redecorating.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Larry King turns 75 today. It’s the first time since he was in his 20s that he has had more birthdays than ex-wives.

There was a rumor that Hillary Clinton would be chosen by Barack Obama to be secretary of state. Now that might not be the case. Maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job is that today, Bill took down his eHarmony page.

Forbes magazine came out with their list of “Hottest Tots,” the hottest babies in the world. I guess these days there isn’t much going on in the stock market.

Late Night Tuesday 11/18/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

It’s reported that Barack Obama’s new attorney general is going to be Eric Holder. Here is what we know about him: His name is Eric Holder.

It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs.

Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.

According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of “Desperate Housewives.” In a related story, John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama’a Meeting With McCain

10. “Oh, just preparing to be president. What have you been up to?”
9. “I know a guy who would be a perfect secretary of plumbing”
8. “What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?”
7. “Let’s wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune’s on”
6. “Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?”
5. “Actually, it’s now the ‘Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild’ bus”
4. “Uh John, this isn’t another debate”
3. “Where’s the soup? Someone said there’d be soup!”
2. “I know I’m trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I’ve got you right where I want you!”
1. “Maybe you’d be president-elect if you hadn’t crossed Letterman”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Cold in New York City. So cold, today Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.

Sarah Palin has landed a $7 million book deal. She got it through a guy named Joe the publisher.

When she was asked about writing a book, she said, “You bethcha! As long as I don’t have to read it.”

Wow — $7 million. Maybe now she can buy her own clothing.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Yesterday in Chicago, President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.

Yesterday, President Bush awarded a National Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic book artist who created “Spider-Man.” Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that “felt right.”

Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position secretary of state because of Bill Clinton’s activities. When he heard this, Bill said, “It’s only fair — she denies me positions all the time.”

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to the Alaska senator, and convicted felon, Ted Stevens. Today he turns 85 to life.

Everyone wants to know Barack Obama’s plans for the White house. They already know his economic plan to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year — like General Motors.

Michael Jackson is in trouble again. He is supposed to testify in a lawsuit, but his lawyer says he’s too sick to travel. He can only travel in an emergency — like a Jonas Brothers concert.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Raging fires in California. So far, 32,000 acres have burned. It seems ironic that the flamingest state in the Union voted against gay marriage.

It looks like Hillary Clinton might be Barack Obama’s secretary of state. She went from almost being president to a secretary.

Sounds like somebody needs to watch “Working Girl” — that’s not how it’s supposed to work.

The secretary of state travels all over the world meeting with foreign leaders sometimes spending months away from his or her husband. But that’s just the sacrifice Bill is willing to make.

Late Night Monday 11/17/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. That’s kind of sad considering how close Hillary came to being the first female president. Imagine after that . . . her next job offer? Secretary.

Hillary Clinton might make a very good secretary of state — she can cackle in seven different languages.

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Joe Biden was right — hostile forces will test Obama in the first few months.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Good Things About Being Named James Bond

10. “I’ve made a fortune selling autographed crap on eBay”
9. “I have amazing gadgets, like a clock that’s also a radio”
8. “Lots of admiring looks when they call my table at T.G.I. Friday’s”
7. “At the movie theater, I get a free squirt of chemical butter”
6. “Once, I received a $5,000 residual check that should have gone to Pierce Brosnan”
5. “Calling my boss ‘M’ instead of Mr. Glickstein”
4. “When my brother says, ‘Bond, Fred Bond,’ he just looks like a jerk”
3. “Always gets a laugh when I order my Jamba Juice ‘shaken, not stirred'”
2. “Halle Berry once accidentally slept with me”
1. “President Bush keeps calling me about capturing bin Laden”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

They’re saying Hillary Clinton may be secretary of state. If she takes that job, it means she’ll be spending a lot of time away from home. Today, she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers.

Then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

Sen. McCain and President-elect Barack Obama got together for a visit. Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick.

Then Obama said to McCain, “Hey I’m catching up to you — I just got a second home.”

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Last night on “60 Minutes,” Barack Obama said that since he won the election he has slept in his own bed every night. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Man, this guy has a lot to learn.”

Earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent John McCain. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being “a stupid jerkface.”

Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of “great courage” on his part. Then Kissinger said, “Seriously Barack, protect your nuts.”

Obama says that he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Which is the exact same reason he picked Joe Biden.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

According to literary agents in New York, Sarah Palin is about to sign a $7 million book deal. They didn’t say she was going to write one or read one, but she’s going to sign it.

She’s not ruling out running for the Senate in 2010. She’s already formed an exploratory committee to explain to her what the Senate is.

The fire in California has threatened Oprah’s house. Don’t worry — she turned on her force field and the fire went away, ashamed of itself.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Friday 11/14/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a White House dog. In fact, he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate.

President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that is easy to train. Bush told him it took him almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter.

According to CNN, Barack Obama’s popularity going into office is higher than Clinton’s, Reagan’s, or either of the President Bushes when they entered office. On Fox News, he’s somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t want to say things look bad, but Obama’s new slogan is “Maybe We Can.”

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You’re Watching A Bad Spy Film

10. Keeps leaking classified information on his Facebook page
9. He has a license to fish
8. It’s set in the dark, dangerous world of photocopier repair
7. Hero’s new high-tech gadget: a shampoo that’s also a conditioner
6. Sexy new Bond girl has five kids and a loving husband named Todd
5. Villain’s plot to destroy the world’s financial system is spoiled when the bank beats him to it
4. Main character announces, “The name’s Bond — Shecky Bond”
3. It’s about a plot to steal the Colonel’s fried chicken recipe
2. “Jet pack” looks suspiciously like Hello Kitty backpack
1. He promises to find Osama, yet seven years later, nothing

 

Late Show with David Letterman

On this date in 1972, the Dow Jones hit 1,000 for the first time. Unfortunately, the same thing happened today.

And on this date in 2000, Bill Clinton was the first president to visit Vietnam. At least that’s where he told Hillary he was going.

Barack Obama’s family is out looking for a dog for the White House. I hear Beverly Hills Chihuahua is on his short list.

He’s looking for a pet that does not shed . . . that rules out that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

The Republican Party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party’s history. Unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who is white.

When Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha move into the White House, they are going to have to get used to having a chef cook their meals. The White House chef is furious about it and said, “Great — four more years of making SpaghettiOs and chicken fingers.”

Yesterday in Georgia, John McCain was campaigning for a Republican congressman who is facing a runoff election. You can tell McCain is a little bitter about his defeat because instead of saying “my friends,” he now says “my ungrateful bastards.”

People in the publishing industry are speculating that President Bush will write a book after he leaves office. And by “write,” they mean “draw.”

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

They say that Barack Obama’s transition is going to cost $12 million. It sounds like a lot, but it’s less than Sarah Palin would have spent on the inaugural gown, the tiara, the cape, the scepter . . . golden trousers for her husband . . .

It’s rumored that they’re going to make a Monopoly movie. It’s official — Hollywood’s out of ideas.

With the way the real estate market is, it could actually be quite scary.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

California is burning again. We have a tradition here. Once every six or eight days we set the place on fire.

While the fires were smoldering, much of the state was participating in an earthquake drill. They pretended there was a 7.8 earthquake. They say it was the biggest pretend earthquake ever to hit the United States.

Five million people participated — only six people died.

Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a Cabinet. The big rumor is he may select Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. Finally — a secretary Bill doesn’t want to sleep with.

Late Night Thursday 11/13/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

There was a big meeting this week between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney. Or as they are calling it, “plugged hair meets plugged arteries.”

I prefer to call them “foot-in-mouth meets shot-in-face.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it was an absolute emergency. But since it was Nancy Pelosi, no one could tell from her facial expression that it was an emergency.

The National Enquirer says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage . . . yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that’s the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? These are the same people who said a year ago that John Edwards was having an affair.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Highlights Of The Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting

10. Cheney barred the door and yelled, “You’ll never take me alive”
9. It was three hours of Guitar Hero
8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair-plug guy
7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack
6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code — “Help me. Help me. Help me.”
5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush’s head unstuck from a microwave oven
4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack
3. They agreed the “Late Show Fun Facts” book may just be the thing to bring this country together
2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney’s pacemaker got HBO
1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, “I was hoping for the Alaskan broad”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Sarah Palin might make a guest appearance on “Desperate Housewives.” When John McCain heard this, he said, “I’d like to be on ‘Bonanza.’”

Sarah Palin says she wants to be bipartisan; she would like to help Barack Obama. And I thought, Hasn’t she helped him already?

Obama is organizing his Cabinet. This is a high-pressure time for him. Meanwhile, John McCain is at an Applebee’s blowing on his soup.

Barack Obama has named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff and he is bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of his transition team. It looks like Obama is bringing back all of our favorites from the Clinton administration. Except for that heavy-set intern.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called “So Long Suckers.”

In Washington, D.C. today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the vice president’s living quarters. Afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room.

The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American Republican to be their party’s chairman. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job.

American Express is in financial trouble and reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diner’s Club.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

People in L.A. have been participating in an earthquake drill. Authorities are saying the drill has been a huge success — apparently people in L.A. are used to things being fake.

Barbara Walters is doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change operation then find yourself pregnant, you may want to ask yourself how good the doctor was.

All I’m saying is, if you get a sex-change operation, hang onto the receipt.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night Wednesday 11/12/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

After the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Today, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and Eliot Spitzer called him a “new kind of Democrat . . . a pioneer.”

There are reports that Barack Obama is going to close Guantanamo Bay. He also wants to close all Cracker Barrel restaurants.

When they move into the White House, Barack Obama will be getting a dog for his daughters. He was very clear on its care. He said, “You’re going to have to feed it; you’re going to have to give it water; and you’re going to have to clean up after it. Do you understand that?” And Joe Biden said “Yeah, yeah.”

The election for senator in Minnesota is taking an odd turn. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people’s cars, and in all kinds of odd places. And everyone is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means Florida.

 

Late Show with David Letterman

I am sick of the economy, and now, American Express is asking the government for $3.5 billion. Here’s the weird part: They’ll only have to make monthly payments of $24.

The post office is also affected. They may lay off 4,000 workers. Unless those layoff notices get lost in the mail.

Egyptian archeologists have discovered a 4,300-year-old pyramid. Yet another house John McCain forgot about.

Barack Obama may be living in the White House with his mother in law. He may want to rethink closing Guantanamo.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Obama is preparing to move his whole family to Washington. Barack and Michelle are looking for a church in Washington. They’re probably asking every prospective pastor the same question, “Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God d*** America!’?”

Some political analysts say that the ‘80s sitcom “The Cosby Show” helped Obama get elected by portraying a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago, if it weren’t for Flavor Flav.

Producers in Hollywood say that America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The transition continues in Washington. Vice President Dick Cheney is meeting with Vice President-elect Joe Biden tomorrow. Cheney will give him a tour . . . hand over the keys to the dungeon, that sort of thing.

The country of Peru wants to give Barack Obama a hairless dog for the White House. Didn’t Obama just spend months trying to keep a little bald guy out of the White House?

President Bush said today that he regrets the infamous “Mission Accomplished” banner. He said if he were to do it over again, the banner would say, “Git ‘er Done.”

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Many people believe that the election of Barack Obama has brought this country together like never before. They say the red states and the blue states are finally merged to form one big purple blob.

In only 69 days or so, Barack Obama becomes our 44th president. It’s going to be exciting, but weird not having Dick Cheney in charge.

Barack Obama’s mother is planning to move to Washington with the first family; she might even move into the White house with them — which sounds like a sitcom. Joe Biden could play the kooky neighbor that they talk to over the fence.

“Obama’s House” could be the name of it.

Late Night Tuesday 11/11/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday at the White House. And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in common: Neither trusts the Clintons.

Barney, the White House dog, bit a reporter last Friday. And today, Rahm Emanuel bit Barney.

There’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, “Yes!”

In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Terrell Owens Advice For Kids

10. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how crazy smooth you look playing the game
9. Get into a line of work that includes cheerleaders
8. Look good
7. Smell good
6. Election Day is just around the corner — be sure to get out and vote
5. On or off the field, play it safe and wear a cup
4. Don’t hassle the Hoff
3. Listen to me — do not cry during a press conference
2. There ain’t a damn thing to do in Green Bay
1. Show up to practice every day . . . unless you’re renegotiating

 

Late Show with David Letterman

On Veterans Day, John McCain laid a wreath at the “Tomb of the Unknown Plumber.”

McCain is back to his full-time job: yelling at people who park in front of his house.

Sarah Palin was on the “Today” show cooking. Don’t kid yourself — she’s a great chef. She reads all the cookbooks.

Palin is saying it’s the media to blame for Republicans losing the election. Well, yeah — it’s their fault she entered beauty contests instead of a library.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

It was reported today that President Bush is mad that Barack Obama leaked details of Obama’s White House visit. The president said, “What happens in the ‘couch fort,’ stays in the couch fort.”

It was also reported that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto powers.

One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a hairless puppy. The children have already named the puppy James Carville.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin did another interview. This time on the “Today” show. She’s been on NBC, Fox News, local news, magazines . . . she’s talking so much they can hear her from Russia.

The economy is terrible. The Sharper Image went bankrupt. Who would have thought that a place that sells useless garbage would go bankrupt!

Linens ‘n Things went bankrupt, too. I think I saw that coming, though, because they didn’t care . . . besides linens, they didn’t care what they sold. Linens . . . and things.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Barack Obama and his wife visited the president and Mrs. Bush at the White House. Obama has been very critical of the president; fortunately, the president cannot read, so he didn’t know about it.

Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.

Matt Lauer talked to Sarah Palin on the “Today” show. He got a glimpse of Palin at work in her kitchen. She was cooking a moose. It was Bullwinkle day at the Palin house. For lunch, they had a flying squirrel.

Late Night – Monday 11/10/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

In the country of Sierra Leone, 6 out of 10 male newborns at Freetown’s main hospital were named Barack. Six out of 10. Even more amazing? At least 23 babies born in North Carolina last year were named John Edwards junior.

Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack Obama opened a closet and Bush said, “Don’t open that!” and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out.

Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters’ school the other day. Very positive meeting. The teacher said both girls are already reading at a President Bush’s level.

As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they moved to the White House. He’s already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today Bill Clinton told him that the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Bush/Obama Meeting

10. “You sure you want this job?”
9. “Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me ‘Barack-odile Dundee'”
8. “Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun”
7. “I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you”
6. “Honest opinion — would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?”
5. “Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?”
4. “The red phone is for talking to world leaders; the blue phone is for ordering Domino’s”
3. “When there’s a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 p.m.”
2. “Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo, and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?”
1. “When can you start?”

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Beautiful day in New York City. So beautiful, people don’t mind still being in line to vote.

President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. It’s weird having a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife.

Earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president inept.

As soon as Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama’s ratings went down 10 points.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

According to a new report, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. After hearing this, Sarah Palin told her daughter Bristol, “Don’t even think about it.”

Earlier today at the White House, President Bush had a private meeting in the Oval Office with President-elect Barack Obama. Then, afterwards Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work.

Since becoming the president-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except when they brief Obama, national security advisers are allowed to leave in the “scary parts.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a note to Barack Obama congratulating him on winning the presidency. What’s weird is that Ahmadinejad ended the note with the question, “Do you like me? Check ‘yes’, ‘no,’ or ‘maybe.’”

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

There are some people who want a national holiday in honor of Barack Obama. Isn’t this a little soon? Even Jesus had to do some stuff before he got his own holiday.

A lot of people have been naming their babies Barack. I guess Barack is the new Chad.

It’s not all good news for Barack Obama. His friend Oprah Winfrey is ending her show. I share your pretend concern. I share your “don’t really care,” too.

She’s starting her own TV channel. It’s called “OWN.” I don’t know what it stands for, “Oprah Wants Nachos” or something.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Rerun

Late Night – Friday 11/7/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Only a few days past the election, and both parties are already gearing up for 2012. Unbelievable. How’s Barack Obama going to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012? “Don’t Change — Everything’s Fine!”

There have been rumors that if the economy gets any worse, Barack Obama will have to suspend any plans for any tax increases . . . except for Joe the plumber, his are going to go up.

Joe the plumber was on the news again. Isn’t his 15 minutes of lame just about up?

He said, “I didn’t dream I’d become a household name. Now I’m right up there with Ajax.” Except the big difference is, Ajax works.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants To Accomplish While Still In Office

10. Finish those little projects he keeps putting off, like fixing the economy
9. Get Cheney a “goodbye” defibrillator
8. Challenge Lincoln’s ghost to wrassle
7. Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo
6. Now that he’s got nothing to lose, nail a hefty intern
5. Cement his legacy with a two-month vacation
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel
3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday
2. Get Condi laid
1. Hasn’t he done enough already?

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Well, finally the lines at the polls are getting shorter.

Here’s what I don’t understand: The election was last Tuesday, yet 6 percent of Americans are still undecided.

Obama won, but they still haven’t broken the news to McCain.

I feel bad for McCain — I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late.

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Today at his first press conference as president-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. In other words, we’re totally screwed.

Sports Illustrated says that Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. In order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush’s Slip ’n Slide.

In Kenya, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. The Kenyans are relieved Obama won because in Swahili, “John McCain” means “your goat just ate my daughter.”

Oprah Winfrey says she would not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Terrible week on Wall Street. This is what happens when Sarah Palin stops buying clothes.

The Obamas are getting a new puppy for the White House. They’re still trying to decide what to name it. They’re thinking Rex if it’s a boy, and Hillary if it’s a bitch.

Scientists are saying that the testosterone patch could help women increase their sex drive. Unfortunately, the beard that comes with it is kind of a turn off.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Barack Obama has already elected his chief of staff; he’s said to be close to naming a secretary of the Treasury; a secretary of state; and a new position: secretary of kicking out George Bush.

Obama held his first news conference today, as president-elect. White House reporters were confused because he didn’t make up any words, and almost everything he said made sense.

Obviously there are going to be a number of changes made with the new administration. But I don’ think they should stop there — I would like to see a change in music. Specifically the song “Hail to the Chief.” Last Week, Obama made a reference to the show “Sanford & Son.” I think a combination of the theme song and “Hail to the Chief” would be great.