We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of ! employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare c! ases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be
directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.